She was all I had ever hoped for. After being told that having children would be difficult, risky, and basically trial and error for someone like me, I spent 9 months wondering if I would ever hold her in my arms. I was young, I was scared, I was so unbelievably out of my depth but I knew I was made to be a mum and I knew from the second that test came back positive that I was made to be ‘her’ mum.
I wanted to be a mum who was exactly like my own. I remember in the months leading up to her being born, wondering how I was going to get it exactly right. I knew that every single word, of encouragement, wisdom, inspiration and motivation that my parents had given me were the words that had made me who I was. And I also knew that their words of doubt, worry, annoyance and anxiety had shaped me in exactly the same way. My parents had gotten exactly the right balance and had gotten it perfectly right and throughout it all made me feel like I could achieve absolutely anything, and that I could be exactly who I wanted to be and that they would love me no matter what.....I wanted to be just like them and I had no idea how.
I could go on forever about the trials and tribulations of pregnancy. It was shite, there is absolutely no other word for it. Hats off to the mothers who enjoy pregnancy more than life itself, yes it’s a beautiful thing, yes I’m growing an actual person, hooray to me. I felt like crap, I looked like crap, and nobody would ever ever make me do this again ever until the day I died (I have three children).
The birth was no better, it was absolutely monumentally worse than anyone could have ever prepared me for. I hated every god dam second of it. I hated my husband even more.
And then she was here. This tiny child who had caused an obscene problem down below after a forceps delivery was here. And as they took her away and stitched me up good and proper, I still hadn’t even looked into her eyes. Who would she become? Would she like me? Would we be friends? Would she end up like me? God I hope not. God help me!
And then they handed her to me. Told my husband it was time to leave and everyone buggered off. And I was just left, with this baby. What am I supposed to do with it exactly?
She opened her eyes, and she starred straight at me and she knew straight away, and I did too. And she still looks at me in that exact same way, to this very day. When she needs reassurance, when she’s up to no good, when she’s done something she’s proud of, when she’s hurt or lonely, when she happy and when she’s angry. She looks at me and she knows. I’m her mummy, I love her more than anyone ever can, and I will have her back no matter what. Just like my mum does for me. I’m her biggest fan, her number one supporter and she is mine. My first born child.
Of course a lot has changed since then. She now has a brother and a sister. Who I love just as much. She is the absolute bees knees of a sister. I mean.....if I’d had a sister like she has when I was her age, I’d almost definitely have tried to sell her to someone else by now. Her patience and understanding is sometimes unbelievable for such a young age. We are no longer a 5some, and are now a 4some since her dad and I went our separate ways and somewhere along the line the tables turned, and I don’t know how it happened. She grew up.
She became the mature one in our relationship. Now when I’m singing at the top of my lungs out of the car window and trying to get the person in the next car to dance with us she rolls her eyes. She laughs and says ‘not again mum’. When I get on the trampoline and try and do my triple summi seat drop she says ‘you will break your neck mum’. She looks at me and she laughs and she’s no longer laughing with me, she’s totally laughing at me. And when I’m busy she helps me. And when I’m sad and she knows it and she says, everything will be ok mum.
And she surprises me, every single day. She teaches me about equality and diversity. She tells me about her faith and what she believes to be true. She pulls me up if she thinks I’m out of line. She’s caring, she’s compassionate, she’s the most respectful little human I have ever met.
And she’s mine. And I look back over ten years and I wonder how I got it so perfectly right with her, because I was totally winging it. My parents laid the foundations and I winged it.
Every person who meets her loves her. Everyone who gets to know her loves her even more. And I don’t tell her often enough how very proud I am of her, for being so truly amazing. For being so precious. For always having my back and being my best friend in the world. For knowing me better than I know myself. For making me laugh, for making me cry in the best possible way. For making my heart burst every time she looks at me. That look that says ‘that’s my mum, and together we can do anything’ that look she gave me ten years ago today.
Nobody loves you like I do baby girl. And nobody ever will. #tenyearsoflovingyou
