One more step along the world we go....

One more step along the world we go

‘From the old things to the new, keep me travelling along with you’

I remember my first day of senior school like it was yesterday. I was filled with excitement to be starting my journey. I felt grown up and ready to take on the world. I was so very eager to be going to my big sisters school, which I had heard so much about. I was even excited to wear those God awful red PE knickers. I was ready.

Except it’s different for you, because you are not. You are not excited, you are not eager, I might even say you are not ready and you definitely do not have a big sister to take your hand and guide you. You will set the foundations for your brother and sister,  as you are the first one to take this leap into the complete unknown. And you are nervous and excited and completely heartbroken that tomorrow you will not be walking through the gates of Harold Wood Primary School.

Harold Wood Primary School has become part of you. I watched your little heart break the day you left there. The place that had become your second home. Where every single person there had loved and nurtured you and treated you as if you were the most important person in the world. And when the going got tough, each and every person propped you up and you have become the most wonderful little human. I know you wish you could do it all again and you have threatened more than once to make a stand and refuse to leave. And although I have laughed part of me would support you in tying yourself to the school and refusing to move, because I am absolutely not ready for you to not be looked after by the people who have become such a huge part of the wonderful person you are.

And it only seems like yesterday, that you walked through those doors. 7 years has gone far too quickly. I really thought we had more time. And tomorrow you will walk through a different set of doors, only this time, things will be so different. You won’t want me to come to every sports day and every performance. I won’t know the names of every single one of your friends and they won’t know me. I won’t know what you are learning, and one day soon I won’t be able to help you with your homework any more.

As for your lovely friends, our lovely Gossip girls. Although your lives have taken different paths, nothing will ever take away the fact that all of your mummies love each other and Prosecco far too much for this to be the end of your friendship. Those 6 kids are the biggest part of you and your lovely childhood. Nothing will ever take that away and the beautiful friendship you all have. They are definitely the family we chose for ourselves. And I know your heart is breaking that you will not be together but nothing will ever truly separate you all. GG’s for life!

We know this is your destiny. That this was written in your stars. And tomorrow when the fear is gone you will realise that this is the place for you just like Harold Wood was. As you walk through those doors with your friend for life, a friend I could only ever in my wildest dreams have hoped you would end up spending your next 5 years with. Some things are just mapped out.

And you will show them exactly who you are. Daisy Samantha Philpot.

And as for me, I will be waiting for you, at the end of my first day as part of your beloved Harold Wood Primary School. As you start your first day of school, elsewhere, I  start my first day of work in the place you love the most. And I can see the envy in your eyes and my heart breaks for you a thousand times, but they have given you everything that they can now and they will always be a part of you and who you have become. The confidence in yourself and your abilities through everything they have taught you, academically and otherwise to just go out there and completely conquer everything thrown at you. And to just be you.

And at the end of the day. Mummy will still be there. May be not in the school playground, but at the end of the road, I will wait to hear all about your day with your beautiful smiley face which I know will be missed at Harold Wood. And I am sure we will laugh as you and Grace tell us about your antics of the first day. This is just the beginning. And you are going to be amazing!!!

10 Years of Loving You

She was all I had ever hoped for. After being told that having children would be difficult, risky, and basically trial and error for someone like me, I spent 9 months wondering if I would ever hold her in my arms. I was young, I was scared, I was so unbelievably out of my depth but I knew I was made to be a mum and I knew from the second that test came back positive that I was made to be ‘her’ mum. 

I wanted to be a mum who was exactly like my own. I remember in the months leading up to her being born, wondering how I was going to get it exactly right. I knew that every single word, of encouragement, wisdom, inspiration and motivation that my parents had given me were the words that had made me who I was. And I also knew that their words of doubt, worry, annoyance and anxiety had shaped me in exactly the same way. My parents had gotten exactly the right balance and had gotten it perfectly right and throughout it all made me feel like I could achieve absolutely anything, and that I could be exactly who I wanted to be and that they would love me no matter what.....I wanted to be just like them and I had no idea how. 

I could go on forever about the trials and tribulations of pregnancy. It was shite, there is absolutely no other word for it. Hats off to the mothers who enjoy pregnancy more than life itself, yes it’s a beautiful thing, yes I’m growing an actual person, hooray to me. I felt like crap, I looked like crap, and nobody would ever ever make me do this again ever until the day I died (I have three children). 

The birth was no better, it was absolutely monumentally worse than anyone could have ever prepared me for. I hated every god dam second of it. I hated my husband even more. 

And then she was here. This tiny child who had caused an obscene problem down below after a forceps delivery was here. And as they took her away and stitched me up good and proper, I still hadn’t even looked into her eyes. Who would she become? Would she like me? Would we be friends? Would she end up like me? God I hope not. God help me! 

And then they handed her to me. Told my husband it was time to leave and everyone buggered off. And I was just left, with this baby. What am I supposed to do with it exactly? 

She opened her eyes, and she starred straight at me and she knew straight away, and I did too. And she still looks at me in that exact same way, to this very day. When she needs reassurance, when she’s up to no good, when she’s done something she’s proud of, when she’s hurt or lonely, when she happy and when she’s angry. She looks at me and she knows. I’m her mummy, I love her more than anyone ever can, and I will have her back no matter what. Just like my mum does for me. I’m her biggest fan, her number one supporter and she is mine. My first born child. 

Of course a lot has changed since then. She now has a brother and a sister. Who I love just as much. She is the absolute bees knees of a sister. I mean.....if I’d had a sister like she has when I was her age, I’d almost definitely have tried to sell her to someone else by now. Her patience and understanding is sometimes unbelievable for such a young age. We are no longer a 5some, and are now a 4some since her dad and I went our separate ways and somewhere along the line the tables turned, and I don’t know how it happened. She grew up. 

She became the mature one in our relationship. Now when I’m singing at the top of my lungs out of the car window and trying to get the person in the next car to dance with us she rolls her eyes. She laughs and says ‘not again mum’. When I get on the trampoline and try and do my triple summi seat drop she says ‘you will break your neck mum’. She looks at me and she laughs and she’s no longer laughing with me, she’s totally laughing at me. And when I’m busy she helps me. And when I’m sad and she knows it and she says, everything will be ok mum.

And she surprises me, every single day. She teaches me about equality and diversity. She tells me about her faith and what she believes to be true. She pulls me up if she thinks I’m out of line. She’s caring, she’s compassionate, she’s the most respectful little human I have ever met. 

And she’s mine. And I look back over ten years and I wonder how I got it so perfectly right with her, because I was totally winging it. My parents laid the foundations and I winged it. 

Every person who meets her loves her. Everyone who gets to know her loves her even more. And I don’t tell her often enough how very proud I am of her, for being so truly amazing. For being so precious. For always having my back and being my best friend in the world. For knowing me better than I know myself. For making me laugh, for making me cry in the best possible way. For making my heart burst every time she looks at me. That look that says ‘that’s my mum, and together we can do anything’ that look she gave me ten years ago today. 

Nobody loves you like I do baby girl. And nobody ever will. #tenyearsoflovingyou 

The adventure begins....

And so the adventure begins.....

Your off on your new journey and your going it alone. Mummy isn't allowed on this one, it's time for you to make your own way. 

I thought I had so much time.....4 and a half years seems like such a long time. I have blinked and it is gone. 

I have thought about this day in my head more times than I can remember. Played out how I would feel. Some days I have felt like it's gonna be the best day of my life. The day I get my life back and become Lindsey again. I have all these plans... I'm finally gonna tidy up this house, I'm gonna finish a hot cup of tea and I'm gonna use that gym membership Iv been paying for the last six months. 

All things to pass the time each day until you come home from school and we can be reunited. 

I never wanted a third child. You were my little surprise. Somehow you were just meant to be in this world. You came along like a bat out of hell and you took my life, you shook it upside down and left it standing on its head. And all of a sudden an upside down life became normal. 

You were completely different to anything I had ever known. You challenged me physically, emotionally and mentally from the day you were born. You wanted my undivided attention from the second you came into this world and you would do anything to make sure you got it. You were just Charlotte.

Over the last four and a half years I have learnt every single thing about you. I know every book you have read, every toy you have played with, every friend you have made. Our lives are parallel, we have become one. My little shadow. 

We have had challenging times and we have stuck together. I have pissed you off more times than I care to recall and you have pissed me off more times than seems humanly possible.

You are my best friend. You are my everything. You are the most perfect person I ever hoped you could be. I love you more than I ever knew I could. I am a better person because of you.

And now I have to let you go..... to spread your wings and make your own way. Pick your own destiny on a journey that I won't be on with you. A part of your life that I won't be in. And you will cope fine, you will love making new friends and having your independence, that's who you are. Every single person who comes into contact with you falls in love with you. But I am not ready to share you, I am not ready for this journey, i haven't had enough time. 

And almost over night you will change. You won't need me so much any more. You will learn things without me. You won't look for me for reassurance and guidance, you will get that from someone else. More and more people will become part of your journey.

And the question is not....'what will she do without me?' The question is 'what will I do without her?'  

But you will make me proud. You will show the world why mummy loves you so much. You will show loyalty to your friends like you have shown me. You will become whatever it is you want to be and you will do it with the determination you have for everything you do. 

But know this.....

Mummy will always be there at the end of the day. To pick you up when the journey gets tough, to share the good times and the laughs, the achievements and most importantly the fun. I will go with you on your journey wherever it is you want to go. And I will always be so very proud of you. 

Buddies

I remember the first day, I remember it perfectly. I remember the thoughts I had building up to the day, the feelings of guilt about how young she was and questioning whether she was actually ready or whether or not I was just trying to buy myself 15 hours a week before baby number 2 came along. 

I remember walking into that room for the first time and wanting to cry because this was where my baby, my first born, my most treasured possession was going to spread her wings for the first time without me and I remember wondering whether I had done the right thing. 

Would she be happy here? Would they be nice to her? As nice as I am? Would they pick her up when she fell over and cuddle her until she stopped crying? Would they love her unconditionally? Even when she threw a hissy fit over sweet FA? 

And now we're here.....exactly 6 years and 10 months later....3 children, 3 settings, about 10 different teachers, 50 different illnesses and 100 different dilemmas, I have come to the end of the road, a road I have loved every minute of......how did this happen? All of a sudden those 6 years and 10 months seem like minutes. 

Daisy was a little over two when she started buddies pre school, she was ready,  even if I wasn't but I had a new baby on the way and I wanted to get her started before he arrived so she didn't think I was palming her off because he had made an appearance. I remember meeting the girls, the same ones who have been there ever since plus a few other specials who have joined along the way. 

These girls have seen me at my worst times. They have comforted not only my children but me though things we shouldn't have had to deal with - illnesses, daddy moving home, losing loved ones and everything in between and they have offered advice and support and shown us love and they have also seen us at our best. 

They have shared every achievement great and small and celebrated them with us, they have been happy because we are happy and they have been sincere, not because it's their job but because they truly do care, they have become our friends. 

So how do you ever say good bye to those people? Let your third and final child walk away knowing that she is on her own in this big wide world now, knowing that as lovely as her new school teachers will be, they won't cuddle her and let her sit on their laps. They won't plait her hair and let her plait theirs. And although you know she wants to go to school you also know that when she gets there she will soon realise nothing is ever going to compare to buddies, just like her siblings before her. 

You as her mummy trusts them, probably more than you trust anyone else in the world with her, they know her inside out, they know what makes her happy they know what makes her sad. They have taught her everything she knows. She has turned into a beautiful little girl who loves her friends, who laughs and giggles. Who is helpful to others and proud of herself and her achievements. She is unique and she knows it. She is everything buddies have made her, she is more than I could have ever hoped she would be. 

So as she goes from the old onto the new she will take part of them with her and that is how we will walk away, knowing that.... like her siblings before her she has had the best possible start in life, and that her first years of life have probably been the happiest she will ever have because that is the gift they have given her. 

Only this time I won't be back next year with my next child for our next adventure, this time it's really over. 

And mummy will cry, mummy will cry lots. 

Separately together

I firmly believe that if a relationship isn't working, staying in it for the sake of the children is not good for any one. Least of all the children. I respect any woman who decides to stay in a relationship that isn't all glamour just so the kids are happy and I equally respect any woman who actually manages to find the strength to get the fuck out. Both are equally, heartbreakingly hard.

This has been a hard subject for me to blog about, it's been written and re written about 100 times in the last few months and I'm nervous to publish it so early on in my 'blogging days' but I feel like it's something I need to 'get out there' because it's such an important subject and such a huge part of our lives.

Me and Charlie (Big Charlie/ baby daddy - I couldn't think of anything original when choosing my children's names, so after Daisy I copied their dad's name and went with Charlie and Charlotte just to confuse everyone #sorrynotsorry) decided to call it a day in 2013. We had a 4 month old baby, who cried 24/7 a 2 year old and a 4 year old, it was the worst possibly timing but also the best.

We had fought a hard battle for almost 4 years. Things started to go wrong after Daisy was born, but we must have liked each other at some points within the next 4 years because we went on to have 2 more children. I became a mother and not a wife. My priorities changed and admittedly I was happy in my bubble with my new little baby, and it went on like that after every child we produced. We grew further apart. He got left behind and never seemed to catch up - and I never let him, I never wanted him to.

Over the course of 4 years many things happened, many things were said and many things were done, things that my close family and friends know about but things I have happily left in the past. But Daisy was 4 now and she had started to notice these things. Daddy wasn't always nice. Daddy sometimes said things he didn't mean and mummy sometimes cried and when I started to realise our relationship was affecting our children I knew it was time to get out.

The thing is; we just weren't compatible any more. We had children before we had grown up ourselves, before we even knew ourselves. Were we ever compatible? I knew deep down he was a kind and honest man. He had a good upbringing and good morals. He was the sort of person you would want to be the father of your children and he was the person I chose and the person I would choose again given another chance, but he just wasn't capable of being a good father and a good husband at the same time and, equally, I wasn't capable of being a good wife and a good mother at the same time either. So I made the ultimate sacrifice. I gave up on our marriage, I threw in the towel in order for him to become the father I knew he was. And he stepped up.

He spent time, countless weeks and months getting to know our children. Getting to know what made them tick and what made them ticked off. He learnt about their personalities, their likes and dislikes their dreams and aspirations and he shared his with them. He learnt to enjoy them. He learnt to be happy with just them. And i finally felt like he was in a better place for me to let him. I learnt to share them with him and eventually he acknowledged that I absolutely did the right thing.

Now we are here, we have three extremely happy children who have two happy homes. Don't get me wrong we have our disagreements, almost weekly, about our parenting skills. I mean...What kind of idiot puts their kids to bed at 11pm for no good reason? Him of course, because 'he only gets to have them every other weekend and he fully intends to make the most of that time' (eye roll). We argue about the stupid stuff - like the fact that my four year old has come home and is now repeatedly using the words 'fucking hell' like they are the only two words she knows. Or the fact that he thought it was a great idea to let them watch step brothers and my 8 year old is now telling my six year old that when he falls asleep she's going to punch him square in the face because he's a curly headed fuck (yes this actually happened and no I wasn't impressed, on this particular day the shit well and truly hit the fan) but he doesn't always rate my parenting skills either .

Somebody very special once told me 'never ever fall out with him, do what you can to make it work and never fall out with him' and I have lived by that. We make it work. There have been times when I have felt like telling him to never darken my doorstep again, to never speak to me, to never contact me, but the only person that would benefit is me. I don't particularly like him always, too much has happened. I have a lot of love for him because he gave me my three greatest gifts in life but I am not in love with him and i don't think he is with me. 

I guess now would be a good time to mention that I have found myself an amazing new boyfriend/partner (in crime), fella - whatever you want to call him, who is an equally good dad to his own daughter. Luckily for me he accepts that Charlie will always be around, that I get on with him (to a certain extent) and that he is a great dad. Which is obviously very important because Charlie really isn't going anywhere. That's the thing when you have kids, when you go through a break up as a 'non-parent' it's much less complicated to move on. You just delete their number, block them on Facebook and get on with your day. Having kids kinda puts a stop to that and you have to communicate with the baby daddy and see them on the reg. I am lucky that Jamie is so easy going. He's a good egg. Unfortunately Charlie is not as accepting of Jamie but again I will save that blog for a rainy day.

In short - My children love their dad, they literally think the sun shines out of his arse. There isn't a day goes by that he doesn't speak to them, call them up and have a chat. He has never missed a thing. A sports day, a school play, he even attends their weekly swimming lessons. He spends every spare minute that he isn't working with them. And he spends every spare penny he has on them. They want for nothing. We still work as a team. We have a joint calendar which I update as soon as I get the school 'dates for your diary' letter and he reminds me about said events the day before, which is when I confidently tell him that I have it under control but am secretly bollocking myself for forgetting which he secretly knows about because otherwise he wouldn't have bothered reminding me.

He's a good dad. Nobody can ever take that away from him. Not even me and one day my children will grow up and understand relationships, they will understand that mummy and daddy aren't compatible and probably never was but when we separated we didn't become a broken family, we became a fixed one and that when it came to them we got it perfectly right. Separately together.

The single parent family

A single parent is an uncoupled individual who shoulders most or all of the day-to-day responsibilities for raising a child or children.

That's Wikipedia's definition of a single parent, but for me it couldn't be further from the truth.

You see on paper I am a single mum. I live in a flat, just me and my three. When it comes to filling in forms and ticking boxes I am 'single' but I literally have an army.

I am separated, not divorced, from my husband; but he is present, ALL THE TIME. Which for the kids of course is fantastic. For me - not so much (more on that later). And his family; who are equally as present which is equally as amazing for my children. 

I have a 'young man' (not my husband). I don't like to call him my boyfriend because it makes me sound like I'm 12 and I don't like to call him my partner either because it makes me sound like I'm 60 (I'm 29 by the way). He's just Jamie, but he is also present a lot (though never at the same time as the above - just to clarify) and the kids hold him in high regard.

Then there's my family. I have my mum and dad who are quite frankly amazing. My older sister and my baby brother (who's 25) and yes admittedly I have a serious case of middle child syndrome. I am ever so slightly spoilt. By my sister who always wanted a baby sister (who was she kidding??) and my brother who just loves us both like we are the best thing since sliced bread. Basically we would all do anything for each other, and do....on the reg.

Then there's my extended family - the family who most people at 29 probably don't see much of any more. Their aunts and uncles and cousins. Who are now great aunties/uncles and second cousins to my children. They all come round. They all visit. They all call and text and turn up to birthday parties. My closest cousin (closest in age - I don't have favourites) comes round weekly, he plays football with Charlie he lets Daisy and Charlotte do his hair and pretty much terrorise him. If I haven't spoken to him for a week or so we text each other and check in. He's present. He's always here. He's in their lives, a lot. Second cousin? What even is that?

Then there's my friends. You will hear a lot about my friends. I have my best friends, who I never see but talk to almost every day. I have grown up with them. They know me inside out, they know things about me nobody else will ever know. Our lives have moved in different directions but they always turn up to birthday parties (you may note that this is a definite criteria for being in our lives - MUST TURN UP TO BIRTHDAY PARTIES)

And then there's my tribe - my mum friends who I met through having children, who are probably the single best thing to come out of having them (I jest - of course there's hundreds of amazing things to come out of having children - like sleepless nights and saggy boobs)

I have a whole post to write on these 6 girls, but I mention them now because my kids know they are my tribe and any one of my kids would go home with any one of the six girls rather than me given the chance. They are present, they are there and daily they make me feel like I'm not on my own. (And they ALWAYS turn up to birthday parties)

And then there's the rest....all the other people who have dealings with my children. The family friends, the other mums I met at school, and pre school - Post tribe formation (absolutely no new members allowed) The ones who look at me with sympathy when I'm ten minutes late and charlotte still hasn't had her hair brushed, so offer to walk my other two to school whilst I deal with the naughty one. The ones who message me on Facebook when I am so pissed off, that I write a really cryptic message, or post a really cryptic quote purely for attention - I thank you for caring. The ones I arrange lunch with because 'she seems like someone I would like'  but then never ever go out with because we're both equally as busy and also fed up of making 'mum chat' about the inner workings of the school that quite frankly neither of you can be dealing with right now - I thank you for not caring. The teachers, dinner ladies, brownie leaders and all the people who 'turn up to the parties'.

So am I really a single parent? Do I do every single school run in a 39 week school year? Do I cook 3 meals a day 7 days a week? Am I the only person who tells my children they love them? Picks them up when they are down and shares their achievements, dreams and aspirations with them? No I am not. I try my best but I cannot do it all. I am just one person and that is why I am so grateful that since me and their dad split up in 2013 not once have I felt like I was on my own. I am lucky I know, and I take my hat off to all the people who really are going it alone because I know whole heartedly that I am sharing the job of bringing up my children with so many amazing people. And I thank you all.