Separately together

I firmly believe that if a relationship isn't working, staying in it for the sake of the children is not good for any one. Least of all the children. I respect any woman who decides to stay in a relationship that isn't all glamour just so the kids are happy and I equally respect any woman who actually manages to find the strength to get the fuck out. Both are equally, heartbreakingly hard.

This has been a hard subject for me to blog about, it's been written and re written about 100 times in the last few months and I'm nervous to publish it so early on in my 'blogging days' but I feel like it's something I need to 'get out there' because it's such an important subject and such a huge part of our lives.

Me and Charlie (Big Charlie/ baby daddy - I couldn't think of anything original when choosing my children's names, so after Daisy I copied their dad's name and went with Charlie and Charlotte just to confuse everyone #sorrynotsorry) decided to call it a day in 2013. We had a 4 month old baby, who cried 24/7 a 2 year old and a 4 year old, it was the worst possibly timing but also the best.

We had fought a hard battle for almost 4 years. Things started to go wrong after Daisy was born, but we must have liked each other at some points within the next 4 years because we went on to have 2 more children. I became a mother and not a wife. My priorities changed and admittedly I was happy in my bubble with my new little baby, and it went on like that after every child we produced. We grew further apart. He got left behind and never seemed to catch up - and I never let him, I never wanted him to.

Over the course of 4 years many things happened, many things were said and many things were done, things that my close family and friends know about but things I have happily left in the past. But Daisy was 4 now and she had started to notice these things. Daddy wasn't always nice. Daddy sometimes said things he didn't mean and mummy sometimes cried and when I started to realise our relationship was affecting our children I knew it was time to get out.

The thing is; we just weren't compatible any more. We had children before we had grown up ourselves, before we even knew ourselves. Were we ever compatible? I knew deep down he was a kind and honest man. He had a good upbringing and good morals. He was the sort of person you would want to be the father of your children and he was the person I chose and the person I would choose again given another chance, but he just wasn't capable of being a good father and a good husband at the same time and, equally, I wasn't capable of being a good wife and a good mother at the same time either. So I made the ultimate sacrifice. I gave up on our marriage, I threw in the towel in order for him to become the father I knew he was. And he stepped up.

He spent time, countless weeks and months getting to know our children. Getting to know what made them tick and what made them ticked off. He learnt about their personalities, their likes and dislikes their dreams and aspirations and he shared his with them. He learnt to enjoy them. He learnt to be happy with just them. And i finally felt like he was in a better place for me to let him. I learnt to share them with him and eventually he acknowledged that I absolutely did the right thing.

Now we are here, we have three extremely happy children who have two happy homes. Don't get me wrong we have our disagreements, almost weekly, about our parenting skills. I mean...What kind of idiot puts their kids to bed at 11pm for no good reason? Him of course, because 'he only gets to have them every other weekend and he fully intends to make the most of that time' (eye roll). We argue about the stupid stuff - like the fact that my four year old has come home and is now repeatedly using the words 'fucking hell' like they are the only two words she knows. Or the fact that he thought it was a great idea to let them watch step brothers and my 8 year old is now telling my six year old that when he falls asleep she's going to punch him square in the face because he's a curly headed fuck (yes this actually happened and no I wasn't impressed, on this particular day the shit well and truly hit the fan) but he doesn't always rate my parenting skills either .

Somebody very special once told me 'never ever fall out with him, do what you can to make it work and never fall out with him' and I have lived by that. We make it work. There have been times when I have felt like telling him to never darken my doorstep again, to never speak to me, to never contact me, but the only person that would benefit is me. I don't particularly like him always, too much has happened. I have a lot of love for him because he gave me my three greatest gifts in life but I am not in love with him and i don't think he is with me. 

I guess now would be a good time to mention that I have found myself an amazing new boyfriend/partner (in crime), fella - whatever you want to call him, who is an equally good dad to his own daughter. Luckily for me he accepts that Charlie will always be around, that I get on with him (to a certain extent) and that he is a great dad. Which is obviously very important because Charlie really isn't going anywhere. That's the thing when you have kids, when you go through a break up as a 'non-parent' it's much less complicated to move on. You just delete their number, block them on Facebook and get on with your day. Having kids kinda puts a stop to that and you have to communicate with the baby daddy and see them on the reg. I am lucky that Jamie is so easy going. He's a good egg. Unfortunately Charlie is not as accepting of Jamie but again I will save that blog for a rainy day.

In short - My children love their dad, they literally think the sun shines out of his arse. There isn't a day goes by that he doesn't speak to them, call them up and have a chat. He has never missed a thing. A sports day, a school play, he even attends their weekly swimming lessons. He spends every spare minute that he isn't working with them. And he spends every spare penny he has on them. They want for nothing. We still work as a team. We have a joint calendar which I update as soon as I get the school 'dates for your diary' letter and he reminds me about said events the day before, which is when I confidently tell him that I have it under control but am secretly bollocking myself for forgetting which he secretly knows about because otherwise he wouldn't have bothered reminding me.

He's a good dad. Nobody can ever take that away from him. Not even me and one day my children will grow up and understand relationships, they will understand that mummy and daddy aren't compatible and probably never was but when we separated we didn't become a broken family, we became a fixed one and that when it came to them we got it perfectly right. Separately together.

The single parent family

A single parent is an uncoupled individual who shoulders most or all of the day-to-day responsibilities for raising a child or children.

That's Wikipedia's definition of a single parent, but for me it couldn't be further from the truth.

You see on paper I am a single mum. I live in a flat, just me and my three. When it comes to filling in forms and ticking boxes I am 'single' but I literally have an army.

I am separated, not divorced, from my husband; but he is present, ALL THE TIME. Which for the kids of course is fantastic. For me - not so much (more on that later). And his family; who are equally as present which is equally as amazing for my children. 

I have a 'young man' (not my husband). I don't like to call him my boyfriend because it makes me sound like I'm 12 and I don't like to call him my partner either because it makes me sound like I'm 60 (I'm 29 by the way). He's just Jamie, but he is also present a lot (though never at the same time as the above - just to clarify) and the kids hold him in high regard.

Then there's my family. I have my mum and dad who are quite frankly amazing. My older sister and my baby brother (who's 25) and yes admittedly I have a serious case of middle child syndrome. I am ever so slightly spoilt. By my sister who always wanted a baby sister (who was she kidding??) and my brother who just loves us both like we are the best thing since sliced bread. Basically we would all do anything for each other, and do....on the reg.

Then there's my extended family - the family who most people at 29 probably don't see much of any more. Their aunts and uncles and cousins. Who are now great aunties/uncles and second cousins to my children. They all come round. They all visit. They all call and text and turn up to birthday parties. My closest cousin (closest in age - I don't have favourites) comes round weekly, he plays football with Charlie he lets Daisy and Charlotte do his hair and pretty much terrorise him. If I haven't spoken to him for a week or so we text each other and check in. He's present. He's always here. He's in their lives, a lot. Second cousin? What even is that?

Then there's my friends. You will hear a lot about my friends. I have my best friends, who I never see but talk to almost every day. I have grown up with them. They know me inside out, they know things about me nobody else will ever know. Our lives have moved in different directions but they always turn up to birthday parties (you may note that this is a definite criteria for being in our lives - MUST TURN UP TO BIRTHDAY PARTIES)

And then there's my tribe - my mum friends who I met through having children, who are probably the single best thing to come out of having them (I jest - of course there's hundreds of amazing things to come out of having children - like sleepless nights and saggy boobs)

I have a whole post to write on these 6 girls, but I mention them now because my kids know they are my tribe and any one of my kids would go home with any one of the six girls rather than me given the chance. They are present, they are there and daily they make me feel like I'm not on my own. (And they ALWAYS turn up to birthday parties)

And then there's the rest....all the other people who have dealings with my children. The family friends, the other mums I met at school, and pre school - Post tribe formation (absolutely no new members allowed) The ones who look at me with sympathy when I'm ten minutes late and charlotte still hasn't had her hair brushed, so offer to walk my other two to school whilst I deal with the naughty one. The ones who message me on Facebook when I am so pissed off, that I write a really cryptic message, or post a really cryptic quote purely for attention - I thank you for caring. The ones I arrange lunch with because 'she seems like someone I would like'  but then never ever go out with because we're both equally as busy and also fed up of making 'mum chat' about the inner workings of the school that quite frankly neither of you can be dealing with right now - I thank you for not caring. The teachers, dinner ladies, brownie leaders and all the people who 'turn up to the parties'.

So am I really a single parent? Do I do every single school run in a 39 week school year? Do I cook 3 meals a day 7 days a week? Am I the only person who tells my children they love them? Picks them up when they are down and shares their achievements, dreams and aspirations with them? No I am not. I try my best but I cannot do it all. I am just one person and that is why I am so grateful that since me and their dad split up in 2013 not once have I felt like I was on my own. I am lucky I know, and I take my hat off to all the people who really are going it alone because I know whole heartedly that I am sharing the job of bringing up my children with so many amazing people. And I thank you all.